It’s been a secret for a long while now, I’m slowly showing my true colors to my family. The colors of an unbeliever. I don’t want to tell them yet because I know that how they would react would not be good. I can’t even imagine how my parents would react. Maybe they would react or disown me. Maybe they would kick me out of the house. Worst case scenario would be is to ask the church to pray for me. I wouldn’t want that. I’d sue them for libel. Just kidding. I love my family and I know they love me too. I just don’t know how my parents would react. My siblings already know. Just the parents now. Will I ever do it? Probably. When? I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just satisfied right now that I’ll be finding a job soon and finishing college. Then I’ll be out of their hair.
I’ve always been closed off to my family. I’ve never really opened up to them like all pure, vulnerable, and naked me. I know there is a part of me that I know I should hold back. I despise that part of me, but I’ve recently found myself to be in tune with myself more. The days have been better because of this. I don’t know why I associate the state of my mind with the state of my beliefs but they seem to be correlated. When I became an atheist, I didn’t have depressive behavior or anxious thoughts anymore. It sort of came with the theism, I guess. Having an almighty Father who would do everything for me even killing his own son for me, ended up not being enough for the young me. Amidst, believing the Christian worldview of forgiveness and hope, I couldn’t be just okay with it. Deep inside, something was wrong. It was deep. It was a bleeding wound covered up with some Christian band-aid. It never really healed enough in me. Maybe because that is how Christianity works. It capitalizes on our cycles of emotional vulnerability because that’s just human nature. Christianity shames you for who you naturally are. It wants you to deny the darkness that lies within us. It separates it and calls it vile, evil, and unclean. This way we have an unlimited supply of reasons to shame ourselves and ask for forgiveness. Every day, I would loathe myself. I would bathe in self-disgust for how I’ve viewed myself. It was an endless repetition my whole life. I wish I could have just lived my life the way I wanted to. I wish I could have known how things were better if I just followed my heart. I can’t take back those years but that’s okay now. I’m alright with this.
My sister told me that maybe I’m an atheist now because I never believed in the first place. That was really disappointing for me. I never thought such words would come out of her mouth. But I get why she would say that. That’s the typical Christian line. One thing I know is that I did believe. I believed so much that I cried myself to sleep every night asking for forgiveness for the evil and useless creature that I am. I beat myself up and denied myself the things I wanted because I believed that I had to sacrifice those to live a good Christian life. I knew and believed the doctrines by heart. I debated with my high school teacher about evolution because I knew how true young earth and the global flood were. If I can be certain about anything, it is that I did truly believe. But no matter what I say, it still won’t convince them. I don’t care. I know where I stand and that’s where I am right now. If they won’t love me anymore just because of this then that’s on them. If they force me to believe then I won’t stick around for it. I’m sorry. I just can’t.
But I told my sister that I’m an atheist. And now she knows. Nothing is going to be the same between us again.
